Behind the Mask
by KandyPop
Summary: Pewdie was sick of being the perfect person that he "apparently was." No one ever understood his feelings, not even Marzia or his parents. No one did. He hated the mask he hid himself under. Except maybe him. Maybe Cry did just a little. PEWDIECRY Warnings: Mad!Pewds, depression, slash
1. Pewdie's POV: Prologue

**Title:** Behind the Mask

**Summary:** Pewdie was sick of being the perfect person that he "apparently was." No one ever understood his feelings, not even Marzia or his parents. No one did. He hated the mask he hid himself under. Except maybe him. Maybe Cry did just a little. PEWDIECRY Warnings: Mad!Pewds, depression, slash

"How's it going bros?"

Pewdie felt the corner of his lips crease into a small smile, as he kept his gaze toward his webcam, its unfriendly, black, sleek exterior staring at him with blank eyes. He fiddled with his fingers and tapped against the floor repeatedly underneath the table, not visible in the webcam's view luckily. He didn't want to worry his viewers, the bros, the ones who have been so faithful to his channel and that enjoyed his performance. They worshipped the mask that hid away his personality, the real him. Hell, if he ever let them take a peek at him unmasked, they would scorn and jeer at him with remarks and insults. God, he wouldn't be able to show his face around Youtube, Twitter, Tumblr, or basically anywhere. He wouldn't even be able to get a job for everyone knew who he was. He was _the_ PewDiePie. He was the king overseeing Youtube with over thirteen million subscribers.

And he wouldn't let that mask go so easily.

"My name is Pewdiepie. And welcome to another part of Outlast." Pewdie continued, realizing he must have blanked out for a moment, caught up momentarily in his thoughts. He would have to edit out that moment of silence. He didn't want to deal with millions of comments asking if he was alright. Alright his ass. He wasn't alright.

But like he'll let that get in the way of his recording. Like he'll let that break him.

He skipped toward the game, the dark hues of green and black on the screen sending a horrific chill down his spine , until he was back where he was previously in the game, hidden behind the rusty, bleak lockers. He shuddered, imagining having to actually hide in there, inhaling the scent of blood and sweat mixed, as he feared for his life. He let his shoulders slump, as he scurried across the game map, inserting a few sexual jokes here and there to entertain his viewers when they watch this later tonight, and let his mind wander. Pewdie mastered this quite well, being able to wander through his own private thoughts, and still have the ability play through the game and joke lightheartedly. Not that he asked for that. He hated his thoughts. He hated the way they invaded his mind. He hated how much they sounded so much like his own voice, but deeper, huskier, and filthier.

God, if only he could actually concentrate full time on the game and divulge himself in its world, far away from himself.

**Why aren't you a popular little fuck now? You became the top subscribed channel on Youtube. I'm actually proud of your sorry ass. Well done Pewds. **

Pewdie scowled briefly, before forcing a smile back on his face. He needed to ignore his thoughts, let them sit at the back of his mind. At least until he finished this damn game. He just needed to finish this one game, just for his bros. And he couldn't take off the mask, not while he was recording anyway.

**Stop ignoring me Pewds. You can't ignore me forever. Why don't you just take a drink of that fine bottle of wine you have in the kitchen and talk to me? You're the only one you got and I am you. The real you. **

_Shut up Mad_ he mouthed, his eyebrows creased and his lips puckered shut to keep himself from screaming at the top of his lungs. _Mad. _Pewdie remembered when the voice appeared in his head for the first time. It was a little, after he made gaming videos and the comments were positive, encouraging for more videos to be made. His gaming videos he thought would help ease off some stress by divulging himself within a digitalized world, but he found as the comments and likes increased, so did his stress and the hours he spent wandering through his dark thoughts. That was when Mad appeared as a distingushed voice for the first time and his hungry, toothy grin craved for every secret that was bottled within the Swedish gamer, pulling out every insecurity he had about himself, and tightening the corset of pain that was wrapped around his waist. He thought the voice would go away eventually if he downed a few depression pills and drink bottles of wine until evening, but even then, it held tighter to him.

Pewdie realized then that Mad was always there, feeding him thoughts after thoughts, since he was a child. Maybe if he was given some help, taken the time to discuss this issue with his parents, he would have turned out different and live the normal life he now dreamed of. Sure, he had Marzia and Puga who he adored immensely, but they didn't know him behind the mask. They knew the happy go lucky Pewds that made jokes and danced like there was no tomorrow.

The real Pewdiepie..well he still existed. Just underneath a mask. A fake, carved out mask.

**Stop thinking, will you? I can hear you. I can hear everything that runs through that ugly ass head of yours. Now will you take my offer or will I have to do something drastic? Will you have to do something drastic? **

Pewdie slammed his right arm against the keyboard, the sound of the keys being pushed down echoing across his office. He sighed, sweeping up his brown locks that were gathered and bunched up in front of his eyes, blocking his view. Tears pooled down from the corner of his eyes, bloody red and intense, and dripped on the keys.

"I..I can't do this right now." he murmured softly to himself, and pushed himself out of his office chair, ignoring the haziness of his vision, the adam's apple clogged in his throat, the faint woofs from a nearby room. All he could hear, all he could focus on was Mad's voice, _his _voice, echoing inside his skull, canceling out the silent screams and protests that begged him to go back to his desk and avoid the kitchen.

_Don't go to the kitchen. Don't dare go there._

Pewdie passed through the living room, furnished in a modern, savvy manner that fitted the young couple. He smiled briefly, thinking of Marzia's smile, her warm laughter echoing just earlier in the same room, and the way her eyes lit up when he placed a brief kiss on her cheek. He wanted to run his hands through her locks and sniff through the flowery scent it emitted right now. But, she decided, after much of discussion last week, to visit her parents in Italy, and he agreed reluctantly, even paying for the ticket himself. That was three days ago. The start of September and the time for bad thoughts to bury within piled, rotten leaves that were bunched together on the sidewalk.

Of course, he couldn't do that without a glass of wine. _Just one glass and that's it_ he told himself solemnly. Pewdie brushed past the several rooms, until he opened the door, revealing the small well lit kitchen. However it wasn't the sunlight streaming through the windows or the empty bowl that he had forgotten to fill with dog food that caught his eye. It was the bottle of wine, laying neatly on the marble counter. Next to it was a half glass of wine, left unattended.

"Marzia must have left this here, before she left.." Pewdie said, picking up the glass of wine and fiddling the stem of the glass between his fingers, watching as the liquid swished around the container. He took a small sip, downing in the contents, and let out a satisfying sigh as the flavour of berries passed through his lips. He wished he had a glass earlier. It might have eased his stress from earlier.

**Good, so you drank the wine. Go on, drink more. I can always buy more. **

Pewdie snorted, taking another sip of his wine. "Leave me alone Mad. Let me drink me peace." his voice sounded hasty and strict.

**Are you mad or something? Something troubling Pewds' mind?**

"Shut up. You only started using that nickname ever since Cry thought of it. Because it rhymed with Pubes or something." Pewdie pulled out his cellphone that was tucked neatly within his jean pockets and gazed briefly at the thousands of tweets that were overfilling his inbox, each commenting how lovely his channel was with the exception of a few haters and offers from small, developing independent game companies. He scrolled through the feed, the few friends that he do co-ops with every now and then tweeting ridiculous and often humorous things.

**Cry's Tweet: **I miss doing Co Ops. I miss the love if you know what I'm saying. #whiteyoutubeboyproblems

"This was only tweeted a while back.." Pewdie murmured underneath his breath, squinting at the text, and attempting to ignore the sudden sadness that overfilled him. He barely chatted with him anymore and the last time they probably played a game together was Ibb and Obb, a cute, simple, interactive game that he knew that the bros would appreciate. He knew what they posted. All saying how much they missed the Pewdiecry moments and how much Cry and him grew apart. Despite all the funny PewdieKen tweets that he thought would make them churn in laughter and make fan art for, it didn't outmatch the "relationship" the two bros had and he would still see Pewdiecry posts spread like wildfire on Instagram, Tumblr, Twitter, and practically everywhere.

Maybe it didn't.

**Missing your lover, Cry, aren't you? That mask bitch who tries so hard to hide his face. **

"He hides his face cause he doesn't want anyone to recognize him out in the streets. I can understand where he's coming from." Pewdie retorted, drinking the wine glass faster than he had ever, and soon enough, his glass was empty. He shared a subtle look with the branded face on the wine bottle and in a flash, poured himself another one. _It's just one more. Won't hurt him. _He needed to relax and calm down his body, otherwise..he didn't know what he would do. He attempted to relax his hands, which were clenched tightly enough that you could see Pewdie's blue veins.

**But you're the one with the mask. You two should switch roles. You're always trying to hide yourself and not show who you are like the pussy you are. You pretend to be happy and funny, but you're nothing like that. There is no real charm to you. You're a fake. A mask. You know it yourself. If they knew the real you, they would hate you. They would call you everything that you are and you'll scream and punch the wall and cry until you broke down and-**

He clenched his teeth and shouted, "Shut up Mad or I swear to god I will murder you. I will pull out a knife and stab you in the fucking heart like the son of a bitch you are. I had enough of you. Please leave me alone. I want you to go. I wish you would end yourself. Or I'll do it for you.." he felt tears corner at his eyes, feeling as if he suddenly lost his breath as the words spilt from his lips.

**Go ahead and end me then. Take that knife and stab me bitch. Murder me and watch me bleed till you fulfill your deeds. I dare you to. **

"There's a but to this..isn't there?" Pewdie could feel the corners of his lips instantly mouth _"Yeah, you." _A wild grin curved at the corner of his lips. He could feel his entire body was fire, the insides of the room chilly in comparison. His fingers were literally shaking from the excitement pouring out of his body. He extended his arm out to reach for the container where laid neatly a set of kitchen knives in different sizes and shapes.

Which one should he choose?

Pewdie pulled out the biggest one, the tip of it glistening in the sunlight that was streaming from the window, emitting a warm glow. He stared back down toward his chest, and traced a small line across it with the knife, as if he was about to attempt at surgery on himself. He couldn't wait and watch Mad bleed and tremble on the floors, choking on his own blood, silent screams echoing in the room.

Why didn't he think of this option sooner?

Sure, that meant his own death, but the world will be so much quieter and peaceful and he wouldn't have to listen to Mad's shit. He wouldn't mind being swallowed by darkness, if that meant he wouldn't hear Mad's voice echoing in his empty skull and feeding him thoughts after thoughts. It would be the perfect afterlife. A world without him. A world where he didn't have to keep on that mask to hide Mad.

**Go on then. Aim that knife toward my chest.**

Pewdie nodded slowly, and aimed the knife toward his chest, a wild smirk on his lips. He couldn't wait to hear Mad's heart slowly stop pumping as the knife would thrash through the thick organ and blood would spill onto his chest and toward the floor.

"Just wait a minute." Pewdie giggled, laughing at the thought of how he could have forgotten something so stupid. He lowered the knife and ran toward his office room. He lowered himself onto the chair and placed the knife on his lap carefully. He logged onto his channel, and quickly set up a live stream on Youtube. Within a few seconds, there were over five million watchers and comments were streaming in, pooling with curiosity on why the Swedish gamer opened up a stream so suddenly. In a few minutes, he knew that the news of Pewdie opening a stream would have reached every social network and forum out there, and all his Bros would be watching, anticipating for the gamer to speak.

"How's it going Bros?" Pewdie said, grinning wildly at the webcam and this time, the corners of his mouth didn't hurt. He felt truly happy to speak to his Bros, the fans that stuck around for him and his performance. "My name is Pewdiepie. I have something to show you Bros. But first, I want to say a few words."

He sighed and continued, "First of all. I want to thank all of you guys for subscribing whenever it was two years ago or just today. You guys have been so supportive. I appreciate all the hype on me. I don't deserve it. I really don't. I really can't handle it to be honest. How could so many people like me? This..." a quick frown creased on his lips, before he shook his head and smiled again. He didn't want to get teary eyed. He might as well hurry up and finish his speech. "T-There's this man named Mad. I hear Mad all the time. And he's out for me. So I'm going to end him. Right here. In front of you all."

"So Cry, Ken, Marzia, Puga, my sister and parents, Marzia's parents, just everyone..you've been so great. Thank you for being there for me. And Cry.." Pewdie wondered if Cry was even watching. But yesterday was Late Night with Cry and Russ where he would livestream until four in the morning in America, so it was unlikely. He was probably resting contently, not wondering even the slightest clue about the Swedish gamer and how he was doing. What he was doing. Well, he would miss out.

"You're not the only one in the mask."

He pulled the knife into the webcam's view and instantly, comments piled. He didn't bother to read. He already knew what they were. _Gosh, how brave Pewdie was. How he could finally be happy after all these years of suffering. How they couldn't wait to see Mad die and how Pewdie would react. _

Pewdie aimed the knife toward his chest with one hand, and the other ready for his usual outro, the brofist. "Stay awesome bros. Mwa ha."

And with one thrust, he was swallowed by darkness.

**I'm finally done with this first chapter! This chapter pissed me off cause I wrote from where I left off last night and I managed to write a really long and just awesome ending to my first chapter. Then- everything changed when suddenly the computer freezes out on me and deletes my ending. So yeah, had to rewrite a good third of this chapter. **

**Hope you enjoy and please review and favourite. Helps encourage me. **


	2. Cry's POV: Prologue

**Title:** Behind the Mask

**Summary:** Pewdie was sick of being the perfect person that he "apparently was." No one ever understood his feelings, not even Marzia or his parents. No one did. He hated the mask he hid himself under. Except maybe him. Maybe Cry did just a little. PEWDIECRY Warnings: Mad!Pewds, depression, slash

"Let's end here Russ. I'm beat. Thanks for watching the stream guys. See ya at the next Late Night stream."

Cry logged himself off the stream, ignoring the stream of comments that were pooling in. His eyes were worn out and he felt the dark circles creep underneath them. He rubbed the corners, and let out a long, drawn out yawn. A small smile was creased on his lips that felt dry and chapped against the night wind that left shivers across his blanket covered body. He really wanted to sleep now underneath his duvet and dream of nothing, but warm thoughts. Maybe tomorrow, he'll play a bit more GTA and even stream it if he has the energy. Though, he wouldn't lie. Late Night streams really wear out his body. He wondered how he managed to survive until four in the morning.

He pulled up a window of Youtube and strolled through the stream of comments on his last Vampire Masquerade video, that were mostly commenting on how lovely Cry's voice and how they think he was so humorous. He didn't feel any more happiness or rays of positivity whenever he read those type of comments, but at least he knew his viewers were watching and enjoying the video. That was good enough for him. He had no right to complain. The game was really fun playing as the stripper vampire who's underwear is visible in the third point view and does task that involves moving around the city and killing people. And god did Cry enjoy the thrill of watching someone die in front of his eyes. He wanted to be the last one they thought of, the last one they looked in the eyes.

Okay Cry. It's late. Go to sleep. You're fucking tired and acting like a psycho.

Cry quickly peeked onto his subscriptions, mostly filled with the gamers he played with uploading another part of whatever game they were playing. His eyes widened slightly as he looked above Pewdie's blank thumbnail which read, PewDiePie has opened a stream. He quickly joined in the stream and it seemed that it had just started, from the way Pewdie was idly looking at the webcam, grinning from ear to ear, a sparkle in his blue eyes. He looked happier than usual and less distant. He could see the focus and intent on spilling whatever was quivering on the Swedish's lips. Or maybe he was looking way too carefully. God, he didn't know what was right or wrong. His vision was blurry and his arms felt like limp pasta. He wanted to sleep.

But, Cry was curious to see the stream and sure was millions of other people that overloaded the comment section every minute.

**How's it going Bros?**

Cry waved, giggling slightly to himself, as if he was actually playing video games with Pewdie like back in the days. This is where he would introduce himself, usually mocking Pewdie's intro that would bring a pout on the Swedish's face.

**My name is Pewdiepie. I have something to show you Bros. But first, I want to say a few words.**

Cry blinked, slightly surprised. If he wanted to just announce something, he usually would post a short video log to explain the announcement, not air an entire Youtube stream. He leaned closer to the screen, soaking Pewdie in his vision. He felt slightly jumpy and excited, just to hear the next words that were going to come out of Pewdie's mouth.

**First of all. I want to thank all of you guys for subscribing whenever it was two years ago or just today. You guys have been so supportive. I appreciate all the hype on me. I don't deserve it. I really don't. I really can't handle it to be honest. How could so many people like me? This...**

He noticed a quick frown that curved on the corners of Pewds' lips, before it was instantly replaced with a normal smile, the one he usually smiled with whenever he was on webcam. Unlike the grin and sparkle in his eyes at the beginning of the stream. It was so unusual, so frightening almost. Maybe something was bothering Pewdie and he couldn't talk about it at home or he wasn't keen to expressing his feelings well. It was understandable. He struggled with letting his emotions out and preferred to hide underneath the mask persona he built for himself. Though, he knew it wasn't the same for Pewdie in the same sense that he was basically a celebrity, a well known and cheerful Youtuber that took the Internet over within a short amount of time.

He hoped he was tired. But, he couldn't ignore that pit in his stomach.

**T-There's this man named Mad. I hear Mad all the time. And he's out for me. So I'm going to end him. Right here. In front of you all.**

Mad?

Who the fuck was Mad?

The only "Mad" Cry could think of was the fake persona his fans created for him that follows him around and is basically a fucked up psycho that drags him to insanity. At least that's how it is in the fan fiction he has read.

Cry's face turned a ghastly, white colour, his insides crawling inside, as he thought of Mad, something he thought was interesting whenever it was written in fanfics and drawn in fanart, haunt and whisper terrible thoughts within Pewdie's ears, even as he attempted to sleep in the nights. It couldn't be him. It was just a fan created work and would never happen.

But then who was Mad exactly?

**So Cry, Ken, Marzia, Puga, my sister and parents, Marzia's parents, just everyone..you've been so great. Thank you for being there for me. And Cry..**

"W-What is it Pewds?" Cry asked, his bottom lip quivering, as he watched the terror flash in Pewdie's eyes. It was as if he seen a demon prawling in his office room. He wanted to shut off the screen and hide underneath his duvet. He felt fear, true fear, for the Swedish gamer just watching as the words spilled from his mouth, as if they were going to be his last. But, he had to be here for his friend. He had to hold his hand and stand strong. He got to watch the entire video. He had to figure out who was Mad, why he was saying all of these words..

**"You're not the only one in the mask."**

And like that, time slowed down. Cry could see each moment pass. Each comment from different anonymous viewers piled like stacking bricks filled with gasps and curiousity, as the knife slided into the webcam's view. It glistened so brightly, even with the low quality of the webcam, and seemed as if it could slice off a finger just by rubbing your finger against the edge. A distant, far look was in Pewdie's eyes, focused on the knife. He looked slightly prideful, as if he was proud for what he was about to do. Then, he took a deep breath, and clenched his empty hand into a brofist, the other busy aiming the knife toward his chest.

**Stay awesome bros. Mwa ha.**

The knife pierced into his chest with a quick swish, time suddenly speeding back into its normal pace and blood instantly flew toward the webcam. Cry screamed, clutching his mouth, as the blood splattered onto Pewdie's webcam, and his body collapsed onto the office chair, an evil, twisted grin on his stained red lips. It felt as if he was watching a scary movie, but the twist that even M Night couldn't compete with, was that the killer and the victim were the same person.

Pewdie killed himself. Right on a live stream.

His best gaming buddy was gone from the world. His own girlfriend didn't even know it. She was visiting her parents in Italy currently.

**From: therealcryaotic134 **

**To: CutiePieMarzia99 **((A/N: Both fake if you didn't figure that out already))

_**Marzia, did you see Pewdie's stream? You have to go back to the UK and call an ambulance or whatever the fuck it's called there.**_

**-A friend of Pewds (It's Cry from YT) **

Cry managed to type out the message quickly, feeling desperation and nervousness build up within him with each word he typed out. Finally, it managed to send toward her, and he took a deep breath, staring at the on going stream, displaying the motionless body. He wasn't dead, he couldn't be. Maybe..maybe he could make it. He had to make it. He was PewDiePie.

_New Email _

**From: CutiePieMarzia99 **

**To: therealcryaotic134 **

_**Is he dead? He can't be. I called for emergencies in the UK, though I think I was already beaten to it, because they mentioned that they received this same type of call from over millions of people. Though I managed to actually give them an exact address so it'll be easier. I'm taking a plane right now to get to him. Do you know what happened to him? What made him do it.. :( I love him so much. I don't want him to be dead. Did I do anything wrong?**_

Cry felt tears slowly pour down from his eyes, as the two windows, one of Marzia's email reply and the other of Pewds's stabbed body leaned back in his chair with sirens in the background. Good, ambulances were coming he managed to think to himself, as he wiped the corner of his eyes. His cheeks were puffy red and his eyes were bloodshot red. He took constant, deep breaths. He had to regain control. It was his job to take man and support Marzia if Pewdie was gone. That was what a good best friend would do.

**From: therealcryaotic134 **

**To: CutiePieMarzia99 **

**You didn't do anything wrong. But honestly I don't know what happened to Pewds. He mentioned something about Mad and how he's out for him. Apparently he hears this Mad guy all the time. I don't know what he's talking about though. He said he wanted to end Mad. I'm really confused. I'm so sorry Marzia. I'll be there for you, I promise. I'll take a plane to UK as soon as possible. Okay? **

**I really need to see him. I need to see if he lives. **

**Pick me up at London. Thanks. **

Cry shut down the stream and his email windows and stared at his empty desktop excluding his wallpaper with Sup Guy and Pewds brofisting, "bro day every day" was written underneath them in bold, cartoony letters. He never admitted this as his wallpaper, always hiding it or changing it whenever he streamed or made his gaming videos. He wanted to see Pewdie so badly, see that he was okay and smiling like his wallpaper.

Even if he had to cross the world, quit his job, he would do it.

Pewdie was his suicidal, best friend.

**Finally done! Yes! Sorry for the wait. Went out a lot and ended up staring homework at six pm. But, now I finished this chapter. Please REVIEW and favourite. I really appreciate the reviews especially. I take criticism. I just love hearing that the readers personally like it. Thanks 3**


	3. No Light

**Title:** Behind the Mask

**Summary:** Pewdie was sick of being the perfect person that he "apparently was." No one ever understood his feelings, not even Marzia or his parents. No one did. He hated the mask he hid himself under. Except maybe him. Maybe Cry did just a little. PEWDIECRY Warnings: Mad!Pewds, depression, slash

Cry felt crazy. He must have been crazy, considering the sudden outburst in his email, sputtering about how he was going to take a plane all the way toward the United Kingdom just to see his gamer partner, someone who never even seen his face, let alone know anything more him than from their co-ops and occasional tweets and messages toward each other.

But, Pewdie could be dead. He couldn't take the risk of not knowing if the Swedish gamer was alright. He _did_ tell himself that he would quit his job, travel across the globe just to see him. That he would do anything to see the smile appear on Pewdie's face again, like in the wallpaper. Bright, warm, and cheerful, just like Pewdie's name was.

Still, this was a bit of a crazy move to pull on, buying a ticket to the United Kingdom, and make it to his six am flight in the morning, which was within two hours. That meant he had enough time to throw a few clothes, his laptop, microphone, and headphones in a sleek suitcase, ask his parents to drive him toward Tampa airport, email Marzia of his departure, and jump on the plane just on time.

"I think I need help.." Cry murmured softly to himself, resting his head against the plane seat. His hair was in a mess, his usually combed brown locks tangled into bundles of hair strands. His lips were chapped and felt dry, as he took in a deep breath. He could feel the bags sagging down his usually bright, aquatic eyes that hid underneath a pair of glasses. He never got to rest, even for a moment. Usually on Sunday mornings after the night streams, he would take a whole day to nap and restore the energy he used up on the livestream. But, seeing Pewdie, his chest soaked in blood and that sinister smile smeared on his lips, the thought of Marzia panicking and desperately trying to hold back tears, as she stared at her lover, he knew he wouldn't be able to sleep, even for a moment.

And that was how he ended up here, in a plane heading toward London airport. He sighed, adjusting his frames and letting his eyes carry him toward the silent sky, colours of the sun beginning to overpaint the previous dark, chilly sky. He should rest, while he had the chance. Though, he knew his dreams would be nothing, but dreary and gloomy with an empty pit in its stomach.

_"Do you think if we were reborn, we could be meet each other and be together forever?" the words sounded so soft and gentle, whispering and bringing shudders down my spine. My knees felt weak and heavy, feeling a large weight against my chest. I fiddle with my fingers, playing with light coloured hair strands between my index and thumb. My eyelids wanted to shut close and breathe in the warm, comforting smell in the room that lifted around my nose. There was something bitter though beneath the sweetness. It tasted metallic on my tongue. Digusting was the only thought that passed through my mind._

_I sighed and cracked a small smile on the corner of my lips, "Yeah. That sounds like a good plan. I w-would like that very much." I felt tears swarm at the corner of my eyes, and slowly stroll down my cheeks, that were suddenly puffy red and moist, as if I've been crying for a long time. _

_"I'm glad. T-Thanks."_

_And slowly, the moments slowed down, and I could see the clock hand hesitate each inch of its movement, my breathing hitching at a slow, sluggish, speed, the two heartbeats breaking the perfect rhythmic beat. My eyes divert, swallowing in each second of anticipation and nervousness built up in me, and finally, as if time suddenly fasten its pace, all I saw was blood._

_Blood. Blood. Blood. Blood. _

_So much blood._

_Dripping down the corner of your white, pale lips, now smeared with a moist, vibrant red colour. Splattered over your shirt, the fabric soaked in its paint. Eyes widened in a trance, looking daze and in space, far far away from me in my arms where you were meant to be. I could see it all. I could see you. A corpse was all you were. _

_There was no light in your eyes. Just blood and its awful, sickly, bittersweet,_ colour.

**This is gonna be an extremely short (but important) chapter. I'm sorry. I promise to update soon with a longer chapter. Please remember to review and favourite! It makes my day. I'm cereal. ^_^**


	4. Masking Light

**Title:** Behind the Mask

**Summary:** Pewdie was sick of being the perfect person that he "apparently was." No one ever understood his feelings, not even Marzia or his parents. No one did. He hated the mask he hid himself under. Except maybe him. Maybe Cry did just a little. PEWDIECRY Warnings: Mad!Pewds, depression, slash

_No light, no light in your bright blue eyes  
I never knew daylight could be so violent  
A revelation in the light of day  
You can't choose what stays and what fades away_

Words crumbled from Pewdie's lips, like broken glass cracked beyond repair. He couldn't even make it out the own words that spilt from them, sounding more like a bow screeching terribly against the violin's strings. He slowly picked his arm from the soft surface and upward toward his face, so that it was in his line of view, blocking out the thin stream of light hitting his eyes.

_Where am I? _

Pewdie slowly peeled his eyes open, and felt the sudden urge to scream and cringe back into the darkness. There was too much light, too much pain. He wasn't suppose to be here, that was all he knew. That darkness, the sweet, peaceful darkness, felt right enveloping his body. Even if he only felt coldness prowl its fingers at his spine and leave his body numb and aching, it was so much better. Better than listening to the sounds of something that beat like a band drum slowly simmer down, staring at the wounds on his broken, cracked skin, warm blood pooling underneath his scream worthy pain throbbing at his chest.

"Felix.."

A tremor passed down his spine, and his eyes suddenly shot open, absorbing in all the light. The voice felt so familiar. It felt warm, comforting, even like home possibly. He wanted to envelop his body within the voice, sucking in every breath that gasped from the lips that carry such a sweet sound. _Who are you? Who the fuck are you?_ He pushed himself off slowly, trying to grasp his field of view. His vision was merely a dark shade of grey, with streams of light following more streams of light. The world seemed so bright for a moment. Maybe it was bright. Maybe it was better, than how he left it. If the person who carried such an enchanting voice existed in this world, than it should be alright. _There's nothing to worry about. _

"D-Don't worry about it.." he managed to sputter from my lips, feeling chapped and dry, as his vocal chords struggled to make grasp of the words. He felt gentle, rain drops hit against his cheek, again and again, in between hitches of breath and shaky words. Pewdie forced a small smile on the corner of his lips, trying to focus on the person, with little success. He wanted to look the person in the eyes and absorb them into his mind, until the day death meets him again with greeting hands. Pewdie heard a brief cough, followed by one hand resting against his shoulder and the other gripping his hand way too tightly.

"I..thought..I lost you..there were no light..no light.." the voice sounded shaky and uncomprehensible, mixed with a bundle of emotions twisted and pulled at, unlike the soft, gentle feeling a second ago when the person spoke. "Your eyes were grey..t-there were no light in your eyes..you looked..so lifeless..so...I took care of her..so don't worry...okay...I.."

_Care of who? _Pewdie blinked, and finally managed to grasp his surroundings. The room was a pale, white colour, laid on top of him was a white, freshly pressed blanket, and white hospital machines surrounded about him. He trailed his vision slowly toward his hand, now empty and his fingers no longer intertwined with another. Who was the person referring to?

_Marzia. My girlfriend, Marzia. _

He cringed back at into the headboard of his hospital bed, underneath the thin duvet that raveled around his body. His stomach felt like an empty pit, dangling only a leaf of guilt and distress. Pewdie left Marzia. He left her to watch, as he was pulled into the ambulance and struggled onto the string of hope to live. He was a cruel man. He worried her, distressed her, kept her up at nights with thoughts of him. _Him,_ a useless human being who was worth nothing. Worth not even a moment of thought.

"Wh-Why...am..I..at..the..hospital.." Pewdie felt his fingers clutch tightly at the hem of the duvet, furrowing his eyebrows, his cheeks turning into an angry flash of red. He left the world, and he didn't remember why. All he could see whenever he tried to remember, was blood, blood, blood, and more blood spilt among the floor, on his chair, on his webca-

_Time was so slow._

_So slow, breathing in every moment._

_Hesitating at every inch of movement._

_Laughing at the livestocks cry out toward the sky with no reply._

_A distant, far look was in Pewdie's eyes, focused on the knife. He looked slightly prideful, as if he was proud for what he was about to do. Then, he took a deep breath, and clenched his empty hand into a brofist, the other busy aiming the knife toward his chest. _

_"Stay awesome bros. Mwa ha."_

_The knife pierced into his chest with a quick swish, time suddenly speeding back into its normal pace and blood instantly flew toward the webcam. With one thrust, he was engufled by darkness. Never to see another soul again. Never to see.._

**Finally you're awake. Good, I was getting quite tired waiting for you to wake up.**

* * *

No, he couldn't be here. Not after that. He should have killed him, rid him of his existance for good when he let the knife stab through his chest, pierce through his flesh until it unraveled into red, sickly blood. But, Mad, he was part of him. He tightened his grip around his soul, twisting it with dark thoughts and prowled around it like hungry beasts begging for a source of meat. Pewdie's meat was his doubt, the guilt, the pain, the suffocation, the wish of him wanting to be gone from the world entirely. And he was alive to feed the beast what it wanted. Again.

"You should be fucking dead." Pewdie hissed, the words tasting venomous on his tongue, not that he wouldn't admit that he rather enjoyed the viciousness and the cruel taste of it.

**If I were dead, you'd be a lying, pale corpse buried underneath feet of dirt and bacteria ready to feed on you. Either way, life doesn't sound so pleasant. **

"I would rather have that than know that for the rest of my life, you'll be there."

**You're such a cocky son of a bitch. I remember when you would listen to every word I said and nod quietly like the pathetic human being you were. Are you that persistent to live?**

Pewdie closed his eyes, shaking his head, before shouting loudly, pulling himself to his feet, so that he was standing on his bed.

"I'm not persistent to live. I'm just persistent to win against you." Pewdie sighed, his words slowly trailing off. "I t-thought I would have you ended."

**Think for a second Genius Pewds. Isn't that you always say? Genius Pewds strikes again. Just think. You'll get this. **

Pewdie bit the inside of his cheek, the answer already swarming inside his mind. He lowered himself back onto the bed, arching his back so his head was leaned against the headboard, staring up at the blank ceiling, except for a fan in the middle of the room. It moved slowly, the wind brushing gently against his cheek. This wasn't how everything was suppose to be. Pewdie should have been dead, just like Mad. With a knife in its chest. With blood everywhere. That was how it was suppose to be. No more listening to Mad, no more hiding himself behind the happy persona he built for himself since long ago, no more crying silently at night. No more of any of it.

_I don't want to be here. _

_I don't want to be in a world with Mad._

_Where I have to wear this mask to protect myself._

_I think I would just die. _

He glanced toward a small, wooden chair, and an electrical cord dangling from the edge of the seat at the corner of the room, sitting mindlessly there. A grin curved on his lips and he pulled himself off his bed with little difficulty toward the objects. Lifting the chair up, he placed it underneath the fan, and after making sure the electrical cord was sturdy enough to be able to carry weight without having the whole ceiling fall with him, he stood up on the chair and tied it around his neck, attempting to nudge away from the bulky part constantly rubbing against his neck and chin. Well, anyway soon enough, it wouldn't matter.

**_I have a message to you. To him. To the world._**

Pewdie's eyes widened, and he involuntairly tied the electrical cord tighter, that it was crushing his neck and he could barely breathe. As long as stood on the chair though, he wouldn't die. The words flashed before him like a dim light within a forest of swallowing, devouring darkness.

_**I don't really understand you. Your pain, your fears, your sadness, nothing really. **_

_**If I did, I would take it all away and let you be free from them. **_

_**But I can't. I can't take it away no matter how much I try.**_

Pewdie glanced down at the electrical cord wrapped around his neck, as the words continued to flash in his mind in silence. These words, they felt so comforting, as if they knew him. It wasn't Mad with his insulting, mocking voice that he was so used to hearing but an honest one with sincerity in his speech.

_**However, one thing I'll never stop trying.**_

_**A selfish thing for me to try. **_

_**Don't die.**_

_**I won't let you die. **_

_**Even if you scream and pull at me and try to jump off the building or tighten the rope.** _

_**And if you do jump off that building or tighten that rope, I'll follow you until the end. **_

_**So don't die.**_

_**Cause I won't let you die.**_

_**And give me some time to try.**_

_**To try and show you that there is a world worth living for. **_

* * *

After Cry managed to check on Marzia, whose tears were constantly rolling down her cheeks and nose never seemed to cease of sniffling, he went back into Pewdie's hospital room to see if the Swedish gamer was still fast asleep and resting. He looked so lifeless, the way his chest didn't even seem to breathe in the same air he breathed, his voice sounding so lifeless and silent. It had been a long morning to arrive to the United Kingdom, but when he managed to, he was instantly pulled into a taxi by Marzia, and they pushed the taxi driver to speed up toward the hospital Pewds was inhabited in. It had now been days since the event, but still, the first time he looked upon the blood, fresh and vibrant, pooled out of his skin, and his skin so pale like a porcelain doll, he wanted to puke and run out. But he simply watched, rubbing circles on Marzia's back, as she wept into her handkerchief and he attempted to avoid looking at the broken man.

He pressed his ear against the door, once he reached it. He heard the sound of footsteps, and the scraping of the chair against the floor. Was a doctor there..no wait. Could Pewdie possibly be considering..to kill himself again? This time..this time he wouldn't allow for Pewdie to die. Not like this. Not like this.

Not like this!

He opened the door with a swish and stopped quick in his track. Pewdie was sitting with his arms folded across his knees that were closed on his chest. His head was buried within his knees, crying loudly. An electrical cord was left hanging, tied to the fan, but luckily..luckily not with Pewdie's neck wrapped around it, dangling from the ceiling. Cry approached Pewdie carefully, making sure not to scare him into running away from him, and lowered himself so that they met eye to eye. He felt like he was talking to a child in a sense.

"Pewdie.." Cry murmured, placing his hand across Pewdie's hair and brushing it to the side. He repeated his Youtube name softly, "Pewdie.."

Pewdie's face shifted toward Cry's eyes and instantly he backed slightly into his chair, fear written all over. Cry sighed, realizing that the Swedish man had never seen his face. He probably thought he was a stranger, instead of a friend he had gained about a year ago through let's plays. "Pewdie..it's me.." he said, smiling slightly hoping that he would recognize his husky, deep voice. But inside, he was breaking watching his friend fall apart so awfully, so different from the smile that lifted happiness in his videos and in their co ops.

"W-Who are you?" Pewdie asked, tears still streaming down his face, though he looked slightly calmer. He was clutching to his knees, watching Cry with widened, teary eyes.

"My name..well you know who I am Pewds. I was the one..the one who gave you that nickname, remember? Pewds..cause it rhymes with pubes.." Cry couldn't help but laugh, remembering the responses he got after tweeting about how he created Pewdie's nickname, which even Pewds refer to himself as at times. Even if they didn't talk much at times with their own videos, he felt like that was the small, non breaking connection they had.

"C-Cry...?!" Pewdie's face uplifted, and he instantly wrapped his arms around his neck, burying his head within his shoulder, as he let out a short sob. Cry slightly winced from the sudden affectionate gesture, but made no effort to push back the Swedish gamer. He was just glad that he wasn't dangling from a cord in the air. He hugged Pewdie back, and rubbed small circles on his back, feeling his own tears swarm at his eyes.

"Th-thank you for..staying alive..."

Pewdie sniffled, his tears slowly decreasing, and he lifted his face away from Cry's shoulder and weakly smiled with as much sincerity as possible. "T-Thank you for being here.." the words felt weak in his throat, but he meant it. For it was Cry who came and protected him and let him cry on his shoulder in the end.

"I-It's nothing.." Cry said, his own weak smile hidden from the tears pooling from his eyes. "If you ever need me..just ask Pewds. You trust me, right?"

...

_"Why don't you do the intro Cry?" Pewdie suggested, his eyes lit up, as he stared at the two characters, standing idly, waiting for the other player to speak. He didn't get to play with Cry for such a long time, and just the thought of hearing the other's voice again made his heart swell with happiness. He moved his character impatiently, pressing the annoyed emote button, to urge the other player. "Come on Cry."_

_"U-Um..I'll try." Cry coughed into the microphone, echoing a little too harshly. "How's it going bros? My name is PewdieCry. Welcome to..whatever the fuck this game is called. Screw names. Let's go play!" Pewdie laughed at the excitement built within the player's voice, unlike his gentle, husky voice that whispered against the microphone during his Cry Reads and normal playthroughs. He enjoyed the sound of it, making himself feel relaxed, immersed even. He enjoyed Co-Ops, especially with Cry, cause then, he didn't have to drift off into his thoughts like he did in his playthroughs. He could concentrate on Cry's voice and absorb in his words._

_They scavanged around the world for a while, making a few remarks at the crappy graphics they traveled in, and chatting endlessly about the new game, The Last of Us, and their excitement to make a playthrough for it. He took constant sips of his Monster energy drink, laughing his ass off more than usual, letting his feet curl against the desk for a few moment, giving his webcam an odd appearance to stare at. He probably would get many comments replying on his odd position, but he was happy, enjoying himself in a world just with him and Cry. It was perfect. Perfect bliss where time seemed to speed at a crazy pace, running past the thoughts and memories.** His **voice.._

_"Hey Pewds, thanks for being a good friend. I thought I should say that.." Pewdie's eyes widened, diverting directly to the webcam and away from his Monster energy can. He smiled slightly toward the webcam, a blush slowly rising on his cheeks,_

_"Y-You too Cry. I'm glad we're friends."_

_"So if you ever need me, just ask. Alright friend? You trust me, right?"_

_Like that, time stopped short and each movement of his felt like a slug. He nodded slowly, biting his lower lip nervously. Sweat was dripping down his forehead, spilling from the bridge of his nose. He cracked a smile, the same one he used to greet the webcam, used in the direction of Marzia and his parents. The one that hid his emotions, thoughts, and feelings completely. A mask. It only took him a mere second to place the facade over his face, so used to the feeling of it being worn on him, but to him, it felt like an hour of preparation of having to know that he was yet again hiding behind his shell, and that with this, no one would ever understand him. Just like he wanted. At least, that was what he believed._

_"I trust you. Of course. I'll r-remember your words."_

_What he thought sounded a bit like a nod, was followed by a "Great" and just like that, in the slowest minute he ever experienced, time raced back to its normal course, and they were playing and laughing again. But his feet was no longer perched against the desk in an awkward, yet comfortable position. It was rigid, standing underneath the desk, toes trembling, as he continued to wear the mask. Pewdie knew that no matter how comfortable he could get around someone, no matter how much he was in peace talking to them, in the end, he would always wear his mask._

With a nod, Pewdie pulled the mask up to his face and smiled and nodded, laughing mockingly to the world. "I'm so sorry Cry.." he murmured quietly to himself, underneath his breath and low enough to not be detected by the other gamer.

_And everything that he was, is, and forever will be, will be hidden beneath the mask._

**( Sorry for late update. I wrote the ending of this chapter but it got erased because my Dad's laptop is stupid, so I had to rewrite it. Plus, I revised a bit of the beginning part, but that too got..unrevised. So yeah, hardships. But I hope you enjoy. Happy Birthday Pewdie and Marzia by the way! /thisistheworsthappybirthdaytothemomfg but I did draw some fan art for them or I'm DRAWING them for a belated gift...****Anyway...please review, favourite, and follow! Motivates me! )**


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